"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey

My illness may have my body, but it will never 

conquer my soul. - Jennism

As I was driving to and from my volunteer job today, I was noticing how much heavier the traffic was, and I supposed that that was  a direct result of people’s Christmas vacations being over.  I myself, however, have not taken a vacation in over a decade. 

Whilst a vacation may allow me to ‘escape’ the hustle and bustle of my daily have-tos, want-tos, and need-tos, I, unfortunately, cannot ever escape my companion called ‘pain’.

For all of my life I have battled kidney disease, which causes me to have 3-4 bladder and kidney infections a month. Furthermore, for the past 2 decades, I have been living with chronic pain that comes from having: 8 herniated discs, which cause me to have daily headaches; plantar faciitis in both heels; and knees riddled with arthritis.   More recently, I developed gout in my left toe.  And for those of you who take pain medications, please allow me this brief ‘poor-me moment’ when I say, I am not allowed to take those types of medications as they damage the kidneys. 

My health has created a chain reaction of chaos in my life. It has: impacted my physical well-being and my emotional health; and limited mobility. It has produced: chronic fatigue and weight gain; dependency on others; a shrinking social life; perpetual exhaustion; and depression. Thus it is no understatement when I say that  I live in unrelenting physical misery.

And so the past twenty years have felt like an incessant avalanche crashing down on me. So many times when I scratched, clawed, and crawled my way out of the emotional rubble, another chronic health problem would throw me back to ground zero. The more traumas I endure, the more that I find myself retreating into myself, as well as feeling hopeless and helpless against my body. Consequently, my struggle for an expectable quality of life is  daunting to-say-the-least. 

Many people with chronic pain suffer feelings of isolation, and I am no exception. In my journey to find a place of acceptance for my health and love for myself to endure its racking symptoms, many people I have encountered simply did not have the capacity to offer compassion and support for what I was enduring, or accolades and encouragement for what I was overcoming. But a few people did — exceptional friends, family, and healthcare professionals. Their love, insight, and support helped me stay focused and have a reason to endure the painful struggle it is just to get out of bed.

And perhaps the most impactful person to help me through my pain was me.  Without any medical degree I found ways to heal and motivate my own damn self.  And perhaps this happened because I have been sick ALL of my life, and the pain was just something else  I had to accept as being  a constant drain on my soul and body. In any case, I, a long time ago, decided never to be a victim to my body’s ailments, but rather to be a survivor of them, and a person who chooses to thrive in spite of them.

I have come to see  myself as a warrior - 'jen-the-congueror'. And so, I created my blog as a means and a way to share with the cyber-universe the story of my personal journey and the victories and self-discoveries that I have made along the way. And in so doing, connect with other warriors who will in turn share their stories with me so that I may become inspired and motivated by their victories.

I pray that this sharing will create a virtual community for those of us who choose to honestly and courageously survive and thrive  through our chronic pain, and  more positively embrace the spectrum of emotions from rage and terror to determination and ecstasy because of this connection.  So, here’s to us – warriors who every day manage to find ways to NOT let our body’s win and keep us down and out in life.

exercise : function of vitality or vanity?

"Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight." - Helen Keller

Even though I have always been overweight , I have nevertheless always tried to be active - either through hobbies such as dance (I participated in  jazz classes for 13 years) or through exercise.  As I grow older, however, my ability to pursue fitness in any manner becomes harder as I seem to be aging into a delapidated state of health (I am a chronic pain sufferer). 


I have to tell you something;  I have enough trouble motivating myself to exercise in spite of the pain I suffer with daly, without society constantly telling me that being 'fat' is synonymous with being inadequate (aka lazy), and that  exercise best purpose is  as a means to becoming thin versus as a pursuit to a qualitative health.  This is insanity.


Through my many years of eating under the supervision of a renal dietician (renal refers to the kidney, and I suffer from kidney disease), I have come to see that  one's weight does not necessarily determine well-being, and that exercise and eating healthfully are always beneficial, regardless of whether they cause weightloss.


The quest for body perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. We need to have self-compassion for ourselves.  We need to acknowledge, accept and even embrace our 'limitations', and refrain from seeing them as personal failings and imperfections. We need to stop self-judging ourselves upon what we cannot do,, and we need to let go of our incessant and debilitating self-criticisms and become kind and loving and accepting of ourselves - ALL of ourselves. 


I still battle those demons.  I have not become perfect in deflecting society's measure of me.  I am, however, doing better every day at calling a truce with my body.  I am, however, doing better at  accepting AND loving the woman who is reflected back in the mirror; and above all, I am doing better at telling society to fuck-off, because I am indeed fabulous - inside  and out! 


xo Jen
have a great day, and may it exceed your expectations 

Jen-the-conqueror

"Your thoughts determine your actions; your actions determine your habits; your habits determine your character; and your character shall give birth to your destiny."- Jennism

 I knew today was going to be a tough go ... I know things like this instantly based upon how I feel when I first open my eyes in the morning.   This morning the inventory went like this:  I was more numb than usual (took me almost 20 minutes to start to have feeling in my extremities vs. a usual 5 minutes), my back pain was more intense than usual (I live at 8/ 10 on the pain scale , and this oaring I was at 20/ 10),  and my headache was intense (I have daily headaches due to the herniated discs in my back). And then, when I put both of my feet onto the floor, the pain in my heels was SO strong I gave in to limping ... and swearing.  Once out of bed, and done swallowing a fist full  of pills (some herbal and some prescription), the next hurdle was exercise - cardio to be exact.

For me, it is never a question of whether or not I exercise (due to the pain); but rather, HOW TO exercise in spite of the pain.  So off I went to face my nemesis 'the treadmill'. Once toe-to-toe with 'it',  I began negotiating time and intensity of the cardio routine as if the caller at Sotheby's auction. "OK, 10 minutes at a pace of  3.0?" ; "OK, how about 20 minutes at a pace of 2.5?"; "OK, how about 20 minutes, at a pace of 3.0, but no incline?" ... you get the idea.

I am happy to report that I did my 20 minutes at a safe incline (I have pain in my knees) and at a pace that was faster that on Wednesday's workout. As well, today's workout helped me accomplish my new behaviour of being regular with my cardio by getting in 3 cardio workouts a week.  ... I shall wait for the applause to die down before I continue.

It is an cruel and unfortunate reality that exercise for me is both therapeutic and a stimulus for further pain. I cannot escape my body or reduce my pain, and I am not the kind of gal who willingly sits on the sidelines of her life 'waiting' for things to change. Rather, I am always looking to find  acceptable means and manners of  negotiating my way through the pain so as to create the life I want - and a part of that picture is a desire  to be fit and active within my physical limitations.  

So, here's to me ... some days I am the 'bug'; and some days I am the 'windshield'.  My goal is to have more 'windshield' days (like today) than 'bug' days.

xo Jen

have a great day, and may it exceed your expectations

today I give myself permission to be angry

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.  ~Eckhart Tolle

Most days, I am head of the 'go-Jen-cheerleading' squad.  Today, however, is not one of those most days.

With my children going off to university 3 years ago, I made a career change and went back into teaching/ working with  children who have exceptionalities such as Autism and Down Syndrome.

Then in 1999, I went back to school to achieve a degree in this field, and then spent 10 months looking for work.  I finally was able to secure a position with a school board working as a substitute teacher.

Yesterday, I received a job offer to move from being a substitute teacher, to heading up a class of autistic children.  It would only be for 10 months as he regular teacher has taken emergency leave.  I had to turn down the position due to my health.

I have spent 46 years of my life consistently choosing an existence  that is NOT dictated by my health - even when the list of my chronic health problems increases.  And so, to turn down a  position because I had to accept that I physically could not do it, has absolutely destroyed me.

My feelings of being fed up, disgusted, exhausted and angry are as strong today as they were yesterday.  I don't want to be peppy, or positive, or mentally jump up and down over the gifts in my life.   I am tired of my life, my health, my struggles and the disappointments brought about by my chronic health issues.  I am too blinded by helplessness and hopelessness to see my accomplishments and victories.

I feel as if I am at war because there are victims and there is suffering.   The surreal thing is that the enemy is within - it is my body.  And as with any war, there are  causalities:  my spirit, my soul, and my heart.

But, this war is not like the others - it will never end because it is my life!

I know that in time my anger and self-loathing will dissipate.  I know that all my motivational proverbs will resurface in my mind, and I shall wrap them around me and use them as a shield against  all the future moments of disappointment that are sure to tackle me.  I believe this to be true ... but for now, I am resolute to be saddened by the current state of my health and its devastating power it holds over my life and choices.  Ultimately I acknowledge and accept that while it is OK to be angry; it is not, however, OK to live in anger.

xo Jen
and may your day exceed your expectations

If it hurts to move, then why move?

Ahhhh .... the question I battle every day as I go off to  meet my nemesis the treadmill. Every day I struggle NOT to let my body win by foregoing cardio. 

It makes sense ...no?  Why exercise if I already have chronic pain, and cardio aggravates said pain. 

Unfortunately, for me NOT exercising makes it even harder to accomplish every day activities like climbing stairs, standing to cook dinner, or walking distances outside. 

And so, I need to dig deep within myself to find the motivation to 'mind-over-matter' the pain and get through my cardio.  I use music to help me achieve this goal - I choose really bass laden rhythms that I tune to the highest volume to keep me going on the treadmill.  And, when the music is not enough, and the tears start prickling in my eases, I repeat 'I will not let my body win - not today'.

xo Jen

and may your day exceed your expectations

I hate exercising

            'The miracle is not that I finished, but rather,

 that I had the courage to even start. ' - Jennism

    I hate exercising!  There, I said it.  Now, let me tell you why.  If you have not read any of my other posts, you have missed the part of knowing that I am a chronic pain sufferer.  I have: 8 herniated discs in my back, plantar facitis in both heels, arthritis in both knees , chronic head-aches, and I have gout in my left toe. 

   Suffice-it-to-say, all of these ailments leave me feeling such as you would when you have the flu with aches and pains so severe that it hurts even to breathe – that is how I feel every day.  Moreover, because I suffer from kidney disease, I am not allowed to take pain medications, and so I must ‘mind-over-matter’ the pain.

   While it would be soooooo easy to become a slug and not exercise, I know that I simply have to.  Not because I want to become a hard bodied athlete, or because I want to be a size 0, but because I know that being over-weight is not healthy for my kidneys.  Thus, as with my diet, I do it for purely health reasons.

   Up until 1999 I was exercising 5-7 times a week … and very proud of that too.  I was seeing a trainer several times a week to keep me motivated and help me work-out through the pain, and in a manner that I would not re-injure my back. And for the rest of the week I was doing cardio etc. on my own.

   Then, in 1999 I went back to school full time, and I stopped working out.  And, I have not really gotten back into a regular routine of exercising – OK, in truth, I  have let weeks go by without exercising.  I feel so guilty for being lazy.  And while you may forgive me this due to my chronic pain issues, I cannot join you there … I feel horrible.

   So friends, as of yesterday, I met my nemesis the treadmill, and we had a go at it.  With the gout in my toe still being painful, I didn’t want to stress it too much, so I walked as briskly as I could and for 20 minutes!!! 

   Now, I have to tell you, after I finish my cardio, I am not in a state-of-mind where I want to ring up Buddha, and when he  answers, say, "You want to talk about contentment?"


   Exercising simply does not make me feel amazing.   It usually aggravates  my pain, and I feel tired afterwards.   However, where I do find my nirvana is in the knowledge that on this day, I did not let my body win … rather, I was  'jen-the-conqueror'.  

   So, with a new year ahead of me, my 2012 promise to myself is to do cardio 3 times a week and incorporate 1 pilates class once a week.  And while I hate cardio, I actually love pilates as it is a wonderful way to work your body effectively and safely.


   I am starting with a reasonable goal for cardio as I want to set myself up for success, and I know getting me to the gym 5 times a week is not going to happen after a 3 year hiatus.  I have to workup to that … and maybe 3 times a week will even be enough.  In any case, I feel emotionally amazing when I am 'jen-the-conqueror'.

Ox Jen

And may your day exceed your expectations

Welcome ...

“ I take pride in overcoming my past 
& conquering my present.” – Jennism

    Hello, friend.  I’m Jennifer and thanx so much for stopping by to give me a read.  Let me start by introducing myself to you – I am 47 years old, and I reside in Toronto.  I have been joyfully divorced for 16 years now, and have two amazing children.  My daughter is 21 and living in the USA where she attends university, and my son is 18 and away at university for his first year here in Ontario – all of which makes me an ‘empty-nester’ except for my two adorable cats and my wonderful life-partner.

   This blog is about me and my everyday experiences.  But before I ramble on,  I feel that I must give you a glimpse of all the different facets that make up Jennifer. 

   Let me start off with Jennifer the mother.  Many parents speak about how their lives changed when they had their children.  For me, my life did not change, but rather,  my children gave me life.  From  that first moment when their tiny hand reached out for my finger, it put a mile in my heart, and everything became clearer;  at that moment, I really knew what my life was  all about.  Having children made me aware and unselfish.  There became many more things to notice in the world, and be joyous about; and my feelings became more intense; my laughter became more robust – they became tose deep belly laughs that bring tears of joy to my eyes; and withal the highs, also came some lows  because with every disappointment that my children experienced, my heart was pierced as well.  I allowed myself, my heart, and my soul to become intertwined with my children; and it feels peaceful and wonderful to belong there.

   My children, as well as being my children, are also my best friends.  We have chosen to walk through life together, hand in hand, side by side, and with no one of us too far ahead or too far behind.  And, whenever one of use should stumble, the other 2 wait patiently and helpful, so that we can continue on our journey through life, hand in hand, side by side, and with no one too far ahead.

   I have been blessed with not 1 but 2 miracles from God. My children are, and will always be my motivation, inspiration and salvation. My love for my children  runs deep, is unconditional, and is forever.  Their smiles remind me that they are gifts to me, for which I am truly lucky enough to open every day, and I cherish every moment I spend with them, and savour every memory that we have made together, and look forward to all those wonderful memories still yet to come.

   Now, I wish to focus on my struggles, starting with my weight (what a shocker eh?).  I am considered to be ‘plus size’. At size 14 I am not so fat that I cannot buckle the seat belt in my car, but, fat enough to not be able to shop in most ‘regular’ stores.  While I know that I am not unfortunate-looking, I nevertheless struggle with a total acceptance of my body’s shape and size.  Moreover, this battle has been raging for all of my life.

   As is so often heard, growing up, my struggles with the scale were closely tied to my struggles of self-acceptance about my body. You see, I never saw myself as a unique and special person; someone who was, despite her body shape and size,  capable and loveable; someone who had many special talents and strengths; someone who had profound inner wisdom and creativity – a human being of value.  For all of my youth and young adult life I never accepted or respected myself because I tied my self worth to my body.  Not once was I able to honor my character, talents or achievements.   I was never comfortable with the ‘real’ me, because the inside was always tied to the  outside.

   Over the years, I soon became the captain and cheerleader for the ‘Jennifer Self-Loathing Team’ – throughout my teenage years and young adult life, I developed a harsh self deprecating mannerism. 

   The crowning achievement brought about by my self-hatred was an eating disorder (anorexia to be exact).  You know the cycle – feelings of hate lead to overeating; which leads to guilt about becoming fatter from the forbidden foods just consumed; which leads to shoving your fingers down your throat so as to throw up what you just ate in an effort to keep on perfecting yourself.

   I spent the majority of my teenage years and young adult life struggling with eating, weight and body image. I spent inordinate amounts of energy trying to change my appearance.  In fact, I made perfecting my body my life’s work; you could even say that I put  my life on hold while I was constantly working on being thin enough.

   Something else I struggle with is my health.  I have several serious and chronic conditions, the most life threatening of which are my poor functioning kidneys. I was born with kidneys that did not function properly. After several surgeries (at 6 months of age)  to correct the problems, I have suffered all of my life with chronic kidney and bladder infections (today at age 47 I get 3-4 infections a month which are, for-the-most-part treated by oral medications).  Moreover, having my two children has greatly weakened my kidney functioning to the point that doctors say (I am associated with the kidney transplant team at St. Michael’s Hospital) I will, at some-point-in-time, require a double kidney transplant.

   I also suffer from chronic pain – I have 8 herniated discs in my back, plantar fasciitis in both heels, chronic headaches (caused by the herniated discs), constant numbness in both hands and all fingers (caused by a strain on my back 2 years ago),  arthritis in my knees which makes bending them hurtful, I have a hyiated hernia (disease that creates burning in my throat when I eat, bloating and the reflex of throwing up my food), and I just went through an episode of ‘gout’ (brought about my kidneys NOT being able to efficiently and effectively rid the body of uric acid.

   That is a snapshot of my health.  Now let me tell you how I live my life.   I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mother, and so I became a fund-raiser for children’s charities, work that I did from my home, while I raised my kids.   My favourite of which was being a volunteer wish grantor, a position I held for over 10 years. 

   With my children going off to university, I realized that I needed to get out of my house, and into the world. While working from home allowed me to be there for my children, it was also excruciatingly isolating.   So, in 2009, I went back to school ! I enrolled in a program that allows me to work with children with developmental and physical disabilities – something I did in my youth and as a young adult.  It was a 3-year program that I accomplished in 1 year (yes, I know, but it didn’t  sound like SUCH a big deal when I enrolled).  Now, I work 3 mornings a week at an amazing nursery school for children with all manner of exceptionalities – from Autism to Down Syndrome.

   My weeks are busy with:  working with the kids at the nursery school; I go to physio therapy 2 times a week to help manage the pain; I just started working with a charity that helps children with cancer;  I also see a therapist on a need-to-vent-basis (no kidding … and it’s the BEST luxury I allow myself); I also just started seeing a ‘renal’ nutritionist (learning how to eat properly for kidney disease is where I am at now); and I also exercise 3 times a week; there are certain tests I need to do every month to monitor my kidney functioning; copious amounts of time spent interacting with my children (via email and BBM) as they are off happily living their lives with a flourish; time with my small and wonderful circle of friends; I have numerous passions (vintage jewellery, music, guitars, photography, cooking, Pilates, and volunteering with children’s organizations; and time with my soul-mate and amazing life partner (during my dating career I realized that God does indeed have a sense of humour) who shares many of my passions, and who is so incredible funny and sarcastic.  All-in-all, my life is amazing because I have created it to be that way.

   Now, I want to share with you my desire to create this blog. I wanted to make this blog so that I could connect with others like me.  I wanted a place to go where I could tell about what it was and is like for me every day to have to struggle with my weight and self-esteem, AND having other serious and chronic health related issues that so deeply test my perseverance and determination and spirit.

     This is not going to be a place where I tell how I conquered my problems through therapies or group workshops or through religion, or through drugs, or twelve-step programs, or white-knuckling it, or with the love of a good man.     All I want to do here is to tell my story, and try to make a connection. I am not here to preach, or to teach, because I am neither a doctor, nor a therapist.  I will, however, tell you only what I know about myself - that I have had many struggles related to my health and weight and self-image; and I will continue to have a life full of hurdles regarding my struggles with my health, my weight and my self image; and that there is no one single way to win these  battles; and that these battles will never  end…. They will continue to be my nemesis. I will share with you what I know for certain to be true for me; what I accept about myself and what I continually work on about myself – physically and emotionally.

     I have to tell you that I mistrust those real-life stories that conclude on a triumphant note.  Rockets will not blast off to signal that my struggles are happily over, because for me, they are forever.  This is a story about an unhappy fat girl who has struggled to become a fabuous plus size woman with chronic and serious health issues.  Today I am more happy than unhappy; more accepting about my health status, and less ‘why-me’ish. 

   I have had many struggles in my 47 years, and I have written about them in the paragraphs that follow, should you decide to know me more intimately. The following is a story about who I was, and who I am now.  It is a story about success and failure; it is a story about salvation and redemption; it is a story about love and hate; it is a story about ignorance and enlightenment; it is a story about acceptance and perseverance; it is a story about shame and guilt; it is a story about me.  My hope is that by telling my whole life story, you may find something in my words that helps you better cope with your own journey.

   Well, here is my story, from the beginning up to and including December 2011.  Hold on friend, it's going to an explosive and emotional read ...