Welcome ...

“ I take pride in overcoming my past 
& conquering my present.” – Jennism

    Hello, friend.  I’m Jennifer and thanx so much for stopping by to give me a read.  Let me start by introducing myself to you – I am 47 years old, and I reside in Toronto.  I have been joyfully divorced for 16 years now, and have two amazing children.  My daughter is 21 and living in the USA where she attends university, and my son is 18 and away at university for his first year here in Ontario – all of which makes me an ‘empty-nester’ except for my two adorable cats and my wonderful life-partner.

   This blog is about me and my everyday experiences.  But before I ramble on,  I feel that I must give you a glimpse of all the different facets that make up Jennifer. 

   Let me start off with Jennifer the mother.  Many parents speak about how their lives changed when they had their children.  For me, my life did not change, but rather,  my children gave me life.  From  that first moment when their tiny hand reached out for my finger, it put a mile in my heart, and everything became clearer;  at that moment, I really knew what my life was  all about.  Having children made me aware and unselfish.  There became many more things to notice in the world, and be joyous about; and my feelings became more intense; my laughter became more robust – they became tose deep belly laughs that bring tears of joy to my eyes; and withal the highs, also came some lows  because with every disappointment that my children experienced, my heart was pierced as well.  I allowed myself, my heart, and my soul to become intertwined with my children; and it feels peaceful and wonderful to belong there.

   My children, as well as being my children, are also my best friends.  We have chosen to walk through life together, hand in hand, side by side, and with no one of us too far ahead or too far behind.  And, whenever one of use should stumble, the other 2 wait patiently and helpful, so that we can continue on our journey through life, hand in hand, side by side, and with no one too far ahead.

   I have been blessed with not 1 but 2 miracles from God. My children are, and will always be my motivation, inspiration and salvation. My love for my children  runs deep, is unconditional, and is forever.  Their smiles remind me that they are gifts to me, for which I am truly lucky enough to open every day, and I cherish every moment I spend with them, and savour every memory that we have made together, and look forward to all those wonderful memories still yet to come.

   Now, I wish to focus on my struggles, starting with my weight (what a shocker eh?).  I am considered to be ‘plus size’. At size 14 I am not so fat that I cannot buckle the seat belt in my car, but, fat enough to not be able to shop in most ‘regular’ stores.  While I know that I am not unfortunate-looking, I nevertheless struggle with a total acceptance of my body’s shape and size.  Moreover, this battle has been raging for all of my life.

   As is so often heard, growing up, my struggles with the scale were closely tied to my struggles of self-acceptance about my body. You see, I never saw myself as a unique and special person; someone who was, despite her body shape and size,  capable and loveable; someone who had many special talents and strengths; someone who had profound inner wisdom and creativity – a human being of value.  For all of my youth and young adult life I never accepted or respected myself because I tied my self worth to my body.  Not once was I able to honor my character, talents or achievements.   I was never comfortable with the ‘real’ me, because the inside was always tied to the  outside.

   Over the years, I soon became the captain and cheerleader for the ‘Jennifer Self-Loathing Team’ – throughout my teenage years and young adult life, I developed a harsh self deprecating mannerism. 

   The crowning achievement brought about by my self-hatred was an eating disorder (anorexia to be exact).  You know the cycle – feelings of hate lead to overeating; which leads to guilt about becoming fatter from the forbidden foods just consumed; which leads to shoving your fingers down your throat so as to throw up what you just ate in an effort to keep on perfecting yourself.

   I spent the majority of my teenage years and young adult life struggling with eating, weight and body image. I spent inordinate amounts of energy trying to change my appearance.  In fact, I made perfecting my body my life’s work; you could even say that I put  my life on hold while I was constantly working on being thin enough.

   Something else I struggle with is my health.  I have several serious and chronic conditions, the most life threatening of which are my poor functioning kidneys. I was born with kidneys that did not function properly. After several surgeries (at 6 months of age)  to correct the problems, I have suffered all of my life with chronic kidney and bladder infections (today at age 47 I get 3-4 infections a month which are, for-the-most-part treated by oral medications).  Moreover, having my two children has greatly weakened my kidney functioning to the point that doctors say (I am associated with the kidney transplant team at St. Michael’s Hospital) I will, at some-point-in-time, require a double kidney transplant.

   I also suffer from chronic pain – I have 8 herniated discs in my back, plantar fasciitis in both heels, chronic headaches (caused by the herniated discs), constant numbness in both hands and all fingers (caused by a strain on my back 2 years ago),  arthritis in my knees which makes bending them hurtful, I have a hyiated hernia (disease that creates burning in my throat when I eat, bloating and the reflex of throwing up my food), and I just went through an episode of ‘gout’ (brought about my kidneys NOT being able to efficiently and effectively rid the body of uric acid.

   That is a snapshot of my health.  Now let me tell you how I live my life.   I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mother, and so I became a fund-raiser for children’s charities, work that I did from my home, while I raised my kids.   My favourite of which was being a volunteer wish grantor, a position I held for over 10 years. 

   With my children going off to university, I realized that I needed to get out of my house, and into the world. While working from home allowed me to be there for my children, it was also excruciatingly isolating.   So, in 2009, I went back to school ! I enrolled in a program that allows me to work with children with developmental and physical disabilities – something I did in my youth and as a young adult.  It was a 3-year program that I accomplished in 1 year (yes, I know, but it didn’t  sound like SUCH a big deal when I enrolled).  Now, I work 3 mornings a week at an amazing nursery school for children with all manner of exceptionalities – from Autism to Down Syndrome.

   My weeks are busy with:  working with the kids at the nursery school; I go to physio therapy 2 times a week to help manage the pain; I just started working with a charity that helps children with cancer;  I also see a therapist on a need-to-vent-basis (no kidding … and it’s the BEST luxury I allow myself); I also just started seeing a ‘renal’ nutritionist (learning how to eat properly for kidney disease is where I am at now); and I also exercise 3 times a week; there are certain tests I need to do every month to monitor my kidney functioning; copious amounts of time spent interacting with my children (via email and BBM) as they are off happily living their lives with a flourish; time with my small and wonderful circle of friends; I have numerous passions (vintage jewellery, music, guitars, photography, cooking, Pilates, and volunteering with children’s organizations; and time with my soul-mate and amazing life partner (during my dating career I realized that God does indeed have a sense of humour) who shares many of my passions, and who is so incredible funny and sarcastic.  All-in-all, my life is amazing because I have created it to be that way.

   Now, I want to share with you my desire to create this blog. I wanted to make this blog so that I could connect with others like me.  I wanted a place to go where I could tell about what it was and is like for me every day to have to struggle with my weight and self-esteem, AND having other serious and chronic health related issues that so deeply test my perseverance and determination and spirit.

     This is not going to be a place where I tell how I conquered my problems through therapies or group workshops or through religion, or through drugs, or twelve-step programs, or white-knuckling it, or with the love of a good man.     All I want to do here is to tell my story, and try to make a connection. I am not here to preach, or to teach, because I am neither a doctor, nor a therapist.  I will, however, tell you only what I know about myself - that I have had many struggles related to my health and weight and self-image; and I will continue to have a life full of hurdles regarding my struggles with my health, my weight and my self image; and that there is no one single way to win these  battles; and that these battles will never  end…. They will continue to be my nemesis. I will share with you what I know for certain to be true for me; what I accept about myself and what I continually work on about myself – physically and emotionally.

     I have to tell you that I mistrust those real-life stories that conclude on a triumphant note.  Rockets will not blast off to signal that my struggles are happily over, because for me, they are forever.  This is a story about an unhappy fat girl who has struggled to become a fabuous plus size woman with chronic and serious health issues.  Today I am more happy than unhappy; more accepting about my health status, and less ‘why-me’ish. 

   I have had many struggles in my 47 years, and I have written about them in the paragraphs that follow, should you decide to know me more intimately. The following is a story about who I was, and who I am now.  It is a story about success and failure; it is a story about salvation and redemption; it is a story about love and hate; it is a story about ignorance and enlightenment; it is a story about acceptance and perseverance; it is a story about shame and guilt; it is a story about me.  My hope is that by telling my whole life story, you may find something in my words that helps you better cope with your own journey.

   Well, here is my story, from the beginning up to and including December 2011.  Hold on friend, it's going to an explosive and emotional read ...