today I give myself permission to be angry

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.  ~Eckhart Tolle

Most days, I am head of the 'go-Jen-cheerleading' squad.  Today, however, is not one of those most days.

With my children going off to university 3 years ago, I made a career change and went back into teaching/ working with  children who have exceptionalities such as Autism and Down Syndrome.

Then in 1999, I went back to school to achieve a degree in this field, and then spent 10 months looking for work.  I finally was able to secure a position with a school board working as a substitute teacher.

Yesterday, I received a job offer to move from being a substitute teacher, to heading up a class of autistic children.  It would only be for 10 months as he regular teacher has taken emergency leave.  I had to turn down the position due to my health.

I have spent 46 years of my life consistently choosing an existence  that is NOT dictated by my health - even when the list of my chronic health problems increases.  And so, to turn down a  position because I had to accept that I physically could not do it, has absolutely destroyed me.

My feelings of being fed up, disgusted, exhausted and angry are as strong today as they were yesterday.  I don't want to be peppy, or positive, or mentally jump up and down over the gifts in my life.   I am tired of my life, my health, my struggles and the disappointments brought about by my chronic health issues.  I am too blinded by helplessness and hopelessness to see my accomplishments and victories.

I feel as if I am at war because there are victims and there is suffering.   The surreal thing is that the enemy is within - it is my body.  And as with any war, there are  causalities:  my spirit, my soul, and my heart.

But, this war is not like the others - it will never end because it is my life!

I know that in time my anger and self-loathing will dissipate.  I know that all my motivational proverbs will resurface in my mind, and I shall wrap them around me and use them as a shield against  all the future moments of disappointment that are sure to tackle me.  I believe this to be true ... but for now, I am resolute to be saddened by the current state of my health and its devastating power it holds over my life and choices.  Ultimately I acknowledge and accept that while it is OK to be angry; it is not, however, OK to live in anger.

xo Jen
and may your day exceed your expectations